Letter to my baby self.

Little man,

I think about you since a long time. I never wrote to you, but I talk to you every day. I know that you are just born, that you are alone and that you don’t know what is going on around you; I hope that the thoughts that I send to you every day reduce your loneliness a little.

It is so unfair that you are left on your own! Of course some people are around you. They are professionals who know how to take care of a little being like you. But who gives you love? Who hugs you? You didn’t do anything to deserve that. You are a newborn, the definition of “innocence”. You do not speak, but you understand. You understand that you are not like those other babies around you in the maternity ward. These people you see smiling through the window are their uncles and aunts, their grandparents … Nobody visits you. You don’t even have a name or if you have one it is temporary. The only consideration you get is from these people in white uniforms who are giving you attention and care. Simple, mechanical and gentle gestures. But you know, it’s hard for them too. You must be so cute, they would like to give you more because they know in their hearts that you are alone. Their life is dedicated to watching over others, and caring for a baby like you must be the most delicate part of their job. It must hurt them to not be able to give you love … They know that it’s not their role and that in a while, you will disappear forever. Adults are like that, they know that to love is also to suffer. So they protect themselves from genuine suffering, because when you leave it will tear them apart.

But you, love is all you want! You don’t care about this suffering, you don’t know what it is! You want cuddles, kisses, tickling, a breast to rest your head on, arms in which you can fall asleep, words of love to comfort you and the reassuring smell of a daddy or a mommy. You don’t know how to ask, you can’t say or do anything. You endure, you wait, you wonder why you are not entitled to the same things as the other babies around you. You are in a world of adults who have decided your destiny and you were not consulted. You embody the purity of childhood. Why is it so complicated to give you what you need? You have nothing to give, you just want to receive: such is the beauty of your innocence. Yet nothing comes to fill the void. What did you do wrong to deserve that? you ask yourself.

Little man, I know your pain and your fears. Feel reassured, in a near future you will have these hugs, these arms, this love. I’m sorry because it’s unfair to ask for patience from a little guy like you but I promise you that you will be born a second time, like a real phoenix! What you are going through, you will not remember. It will just remain like a distant feeling of being different from others, a mysterious sensations of deep loneliness and a visceral need for physical show of affection throughout your life. You will learn to live with it, it will be part of you. Every day you will think of this newborn that you have been and you will speak to your baby self, just as I am writing to you today. Like an inner voice whose only purpose is to keep you company and to tell you to hold on to your destiny. You know why? Because this voice knows what is waiting for you, and what will become of you. Your loneliness as a child will also be at the inception of an immense power that will live in you throughout your life. Your existence will not be made of pain. This period of time that you go through alone, will be the origin of an ardent inner fire that will make you love life, madly. You will have a life force that will push you to take risks, make crazy choices, enjoy your experiences and discover the beauty of this world that will amaze you. You come from nowhere, so you’ll feel at home wherever you go. To fly with your own wings will be your reason to be.

Be good little man, soon you will not be alone anymore. Those who will welcome you will love you more than anything and fill the void. They will not hide anything from you and you will be proud of your story.

You must wonder how I know all this, and that’s normal. Maybe you even ask yourself if you can believe me. Do not doubt little man, I watch over you from where I am. Because you are me and I am you. If you trust me, you trust yourself. You can take my hand. Do not be afraid of what is happening around you, your destiny just waits for you to spread your wings.

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